Sunburnt Bloodsuckers from Egypt
by Ahmar
Summary: Yami has been turned into a vampire by a mysterious woman! Woe!


**Author's notes:** Just a humor fic to lighten up your day. Nothing especially serious about it, mostly dialogue and speech gags. It'll be continued, but I can't say when.

**Chapter 1: Woe!**

Yami shifted and whined softy. Sitting on a pile of discarded sneakers was hardly fun, and the smell of moth balls was overwhelming. Life in the closet wasn't pleasant, but this was how it had to be, at least until night.

"Yami! Come out of there already. This is getting stupid."

His aibou, the person closest to him in the world, was calling him. But he couldn't go to him. Why? Why had cruel Fate so seperated the two of them? Never again could they stay up late and watch scary movies, or do eachother's nails, or-

"Atem! Get your skinny, leather-clad ass **out **of that closet right now! You've been in there since noon yesterday, and everyone is worried."

'Uh oh,' he thought. 'No more nickname. Yuugi's mad for sure, now'

Looking down pitifully at the floor the whole time, Yami crawled out of the closet. He pulled the stocking hat he was wearing further down to obscure his face. It irritated his skin, but he couldn't let Yuugi see him... what he'd become.

"Aibou, please, I don't want you to see me like this."

He winced as Yuugi knelt next to him and placed a hand in his shoulder.

"Stop being an idiot. There's no shame if you've mis-dyed your hair again," Yuugi muttered as he took hold of the hat.

"Don't!"

It was too late. Yami squeaked in pain as the knit cap was removed and his aibou recoiled.

"What **happened** to you! Your face-"

"I told you not to look! Now just go. I need time to figure out how to handle this."

Yuugi sighed nonplussedly and prodded him lightly in the forehead.

"Look at you, you're all red. You're going to peel like crazy."

Peel? What? Oh, right, the sunburn. Yami rose to his full height and looked Yuugi straight in the face, his expression solemn.

"Not the sunburn, Yuugi, this," he hissed, bearing his teeth.

There was a long pause, and then:

"Awwwwwwww!"

"That's not the response I was expecting, Yuugi," Yami sighed

"I'm sorry, but they're so **cute**. You look like a little kitten! But... How did you get those?"

The fanged boy sighed again. How had this happened? The last two days or so had been such a blur. From what he could remember, it had started the night before last at a club Anzu had taken them all to. It was a pleasant place full of clean people, but one girl in particular had seemed to single him out, following him and giggling. She had somehow seperated him from his group of friends, and the rest was hazy.

"That girl who was lurking around me at the club. She got me away from you guys, and... and I don't remember much else. The next thing I remember is standing on the dance floor with an awful pain in my neck." He brought a hand up to touch the twin puncture wounds on his neck as he spoke.

"So... you're saying that that weird girl turned you into a vampire?"

"Yes."

"And that you were hiding in the closet because...?"

"The sunlight. And I didn't want you to see me."

"Vampires are repelled by holy symbols, right?"

"That's right."

"Is that why I found the Puzzle in the kitchen cupboard? Wadjet Eye much?"

"Yes," Yami said, hanging his head. "I can't help it! It feels like holding a hot iron!"

Yuugi only clapped his hand onto Yami's shoulder again and giggled.

"Don't worry. We've been through less mundane things than vampirism. Remember? Games of death? Crazy Atlantian? Besides, Jounouchi knows lots about ghosts and things. We'll have you back to normal in no time at all."

"You're a little optimistic about this, aibou... And what's so funny about it?"

"I can't help it!" Yuugi explained, grinning widely. "I can't get over your cute little fangs!"

Yami pouted and crossed his arms. Yuugi wasn't taking this nearly as seriously as he should be. Here he was, transformed into a heinous undead being, and Yuugi was treating it like a bad rash! Speaking of which, his sunburn was getting a little itchy. Marvelous. If it wasn't the pain of his soul, it was the damned sunburn flaring up. His stomach grumbled, reminding him of the hunger that his curse entailed. Then the pain. The pain of the hunger, and what he would eventually have to do in order to sate himself.

"Aibou... Please don't come too close to me. I fear for what I may do."

"Silly Yami," Yuugi said, giggling and rolling his eyes. "Vampires only attack virgins. You didn't know that?"

"Well, that explains why you still have all your blood! ...Wait. You're not a virgin?"

Yuugi turned about and gave his hips a shake.

"A cute stud like me? With the way I dress? You have to be kidding. Now, come on. Jounouchi's apartment is our first stop."

With that, Yuugi grabbed his jacket from its resting place on the bed and headed downstairs. Yami sighed. He certainly wasn't used to being left behind!

"Wait up, damn it!" he cried as he tailed Yuugi down the stairs and to the front door. "And explain more about you not being a virgin!"

"Yuugi's not a virgin?"

The two teens turned slowly to face the counter. Sure enough, there was Jiichan, dusting the various items in the glass case, and looking oddly jovial. Yuugi slipped his sneakers on and nodded absently.

"No, haven't been for a few months," the boy said matter of factly.

"That's the spirit. I was beginning to think you were, you know, underdeveloped or something. I won't ask when or who, so long as it was a good expirience for you."

'_Wow. This is a less than expected reaction. Then again, it is Jiichan,'_ Yami thought.

"Okay, Jiichan. Yami and I have to go, now. We're going to go see if we can get him fixed."

"Neutered!"

Yami twitched. How dare that old man imply that Yuugi was taking him to get converted into a eunuch? Why, if he could eat anything but virgins...

"No, Jiichan," Yuugi said, stepping out the door. "He's been turned into a vampire. We're going to see Jounouchi to see if there's anything we can do."

Yami took the opportunity to speed out the door before any further explanation was necessary. Yuugi followed swiftly, and the last thing they heard was "What else have I missed!"

"How long does it usually take him to answer the door, again?" Yami asked.

There was a muffled clattering, followed by a string of quasi-swear words. Jounouchi appeared at the door to his apartment moments later, wearing a blue apron, and toting a plump garbage bag. Jounouchi. In an apron. Something was obviously amiss. Yami also noticed that he didn't feel obligated to sink his cute little fangs into his friend's neck. No big surprise there.

"What? What what what what what!" Jounouchi fumed. "Oh. Hi, Yuugi, Atem-kun."

"Bad time?" Yuugi asked, hardly fazed by his friend's outburst.

Jounouchi nonchalantly removed his apron and waved them in. "Only a little. I've been cleaning since I got up this morning."

Yami and Yuugi blinked in unison, standing dumbstruck in the hallway. Jounouchi? Cleaning? In an apron? That seemed slightly... out of character?

The blond blinked back at them, possibly having the same thought.

"Look," he said, dropping the trash bag. It made an unsettling squish sound. "One gets tired of living amongst used ramen packets and those... six pack fish-catcher thingies. I had to clean."

Yami sighed. Jounouchi had seemed downright eloquent until he got to the part about the fish-catcher thingies. At times, he thought that his friend was a lost cause in terms of refinement. Maybe he would try to educate him sometime, maybe make a bet with someone. No, wait. No time for that. Concentrate on the situation. Angst, angst, angst...

Yuugi elbowed him. "Stop pouting! We're here to fix you up."

The pharaoh-turned-amnesiac vampire forced a toothy smile, which sent Jounouchi scuttling back into his apartment with a shrill, undignified squeal.

"Well, this is just gorgeous," Yami muttered, hanging his head in the most angsty way possible. "Jounouchi may know how to fix this, but he's terrified of things like this. Woe!"

Yuugi only rolled his eyes and yanked the apartment door open. "When did you start saying 'woe'?" he asked lightly. Yes, Yuugi may turn out like a toned down version of his grandfather yet.

It didn't take Yuugi long to locate Jounouchi, who had chosen the ingenius hiding spot behind the couch. The blond was clutching a large, gawdy cross pendent that had semmingly come out of nowhere. Yuugi casually plucked it out of his hands and donked him on the head with it.

"Hey!" Jounouchi whined, rubbing the swelling knot on his head. "What'd you do that for?" He caught sight of Yami in the doorway. "Vampire!"

Yuugi prodded him in the knot with the blingtastic cross. "Jounouchi, you're not a virgin. He won't bite you."

"I am so a virgin!"

"You are not!"

"I really am!"

Yami sweatdropped. This could go on for a while. And Jounouchi was afraid of him. Woe!

"Jounouchi, you're not a virgin!"

"Well, why not?"

Yuugi leaned down a bit and whispered into Jounouchi's ear. The expression on Jounouchi's face was a sick cross between childish amusement and mild horror.

"That counts?"

"Yes, that counts."

"Since when?"

"Since vampires, I suppose."

The blond boy got up from behind the couch, snickering and blushing slightly. Yami wasn't sure if he wanted to know what 'counted'. Knowing Jounouchi, it couldn't be anything conventional. And if it had been around since vampires, it had to be just a little freaky, right? If vampires started it... Yeah, that sounds about right. Freaky vampires. They were always freaky in the books, right? Anne Rice could be such a whiny bitch... Woe!

"Atem-kun?" Jounouchi said, waving a hand in front of the small vampire's face. When the hell did he get so close! "You're spacing out."

Yami swayed slightly. Since when did Jounouchi have so many hands? And eyes for that matter. So many spinning eyes.

"I'm hungry, mama," he slurred as he slumped forward into Jounouchi's waiting arms. He had never been so hungry in his entire life. Or unlife, for that matter. It had just hit him so hard... So hungry. Too hungry to say woe. His eyes fluttered shut. It's hard to be hungry when you're asleep.

"Did he just call me mama?" was the last thing he heard before he drifted into unconsciousness.


End file.
